The Good, the Bad, and the Awkward: How Friends React to Your Divorce

In this episode, we dive into the complex dynamics of friendship during a divorce. From the friends who go above and beyond to support you, to those who seem to disappear or act strangely, we discuss the good, the bad, and the downright awkward reactions that can arise from those closest to you during this challenging time. Join us as we share personal stories and insights on navigating friendships during divorce, and offer tips on how to communicate effectively with your friends to ensure a healthy support system during this transition.

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Transcript

Mandy Baker
All right. So Joey, I'm going to give you a little quiz. What are ones that leave, ones that stay, ones that rise up and new ones? What would you think those four categories would be?

Joie Comeiro 
Okay.

Joie Comeiro 
Yes. Okay.

Mandy 
We are on a divorce podcast.

Joie Comeiro 
family members? No. No.

Mandy
No, it starts with an F though.

and you were singing the song earlier.

Joie Comeiro 
Oh, friends. I watch it every day.

Mandy
Yes. Watch it every day friends. And then you were singing the TLC song.

Joie Comeiro 
Oh, what about your friends? Yeah.

Mandy 
your friends. Will they let you down? Yeah. Let's talk about those friends categories, I think. Let's talk about it.

Joie Comeiro (03:56.445)
Okay, I love it. Let's talk about it. Okay, I'll do the intro.

Joie Comeiro (04:12.913)
Hey guys. And welcome to my ex appeal, your everything divorce podcast. My name is Joey Camaro and I'm here with, and we are the friends that you didn't know you needed. And in fact, Mandy friends.

Mandy (04:27.111)
Mandy Baker.

Mandy (04:32.647)
We are the ones, friends.

Hands down, I mean gavels down, right? Gavel down.

Joie Comeiro 
Yeah, gavel down. We are the friends. We are the friends that you didn't know you needed. Today we are talking about friends. And if you don't have any friends, you have us. But we're gonna break down the whole friends and divorce thing.

Mandy 
Yes.

Mandy 
And you don't even know that it's a thing because you think you're going through it with your ex and you got a whole nother category to deal with. You do. So Joey, the first one that I mentioned were the friends that leave. And I know that you have a really good story as to why friends leave, but friends do leave you when the dreaded D word comes up.

Joie Comeiro 
You do, you do.

Joie Comeiro 
And you're right, Mandy, it's not something that you think about until it happens. We had some friends, especially couple friends, like, you know, as you're married, you kind of gain couple friends. And we had some couple friends that just either stopped talking to us or said, this is just too awkward for us. We don't know who, it's like, they don't know who to choose. So they choose nobody. And...

I've actually talked to quite a few people who have said that they lost a lot of friends, either the couple talked to neither of them, the friends talked to neither of them, or friends who were friends with one person, and now in the divorce said, well, I can't talk to that person anymore, I gotta talk to the person that I was friends with first. And they choose somebody.

So either way in your life, they're gone.

Mandy
They're gone and it's a loss. So you not only are you losing a spouse, you are losing a friendship bucket and that's hard and it's hard and it's hard, especially if you choose to stay in that community or like I did, I came home to a community. So friends of ours that we were friends with now I'm coming back and that's a whole nother bucket to fill is why is she back? What's the story? Because when they're friends with you, they want to hear both sides, right? And we, you tend to have,

I don't know, like a, you remember those toys that you pull and the string comes out and the toy goes and goes and goes and goes until the string comes back. And when you're going through a divorce, you tend to be that, that string and that string gets longer. And so some people leave because they just don't want to hear it because they were friends with both of you and they, they can't stand to hear something bad being spoken about you or your ex spouse, but you're going through it. So.

Joie Comeiro 
Yeah.

Joie Comeiro 
And some people are just awkward and they don't know what to say, they don't know what to do, they don't know how to act, and so they kind of retract and they just don't talk to you at all. So you can't necessarily, like you said, it's a loss. It can be very hard and alienating, because you already feel like you're alone, but at the same time, you don't know what they're going through and how they react to things and maybe it's just too hard for them. I...

Mandy (07:13.772)
Yeah.

Joie Comeiro (07:39.389)
I have a friend who was also telling me, this was interesting, his point of view on it was that he felt like some of his couple friends that were very insecure in their relationship didn't want to be around the word divorce because they were so insecure.

Mandy (07:57.25)
This is, uh, it's almost like it might be contagious. I might catch the divorce. I might catch the divorce. Yeah. And you never know. You never know, but then you have the ones that stay. You're you're, I hate this phrase, but the rider dies, right? Like where are we riding and why are we dying? But we have a motorcycle, um, but the ones that stay and the ones that.

Joie Comeiro (07:59.677)
Yes, yes, that's exactly what he said. That's what he said. So you never know.

Joie Comeiro (08:19.197)
We have a motorcycle.

Mandy (08:24.834)
that hear your story and hear your side and have been with you through childhood and through all the phases of your particular life. And those are, those are the treasured ones, right? You choose them. They've chosen you. They're not going anywhere and you, you could have your hair on fire and they're like, Oh, give a spark over here. I want my hair on fire too. You know, kind of thing.

Joie Comeiro (08:47.645)
Do you think those were for you going through your divorce, were those like your childhood friends mostly? Did you feel like? Okay.

Mandy (08:53.92)
Well, what my college friends, because we went to the same high school like you and Mark did. Mark, Mark, Mark, you and Mark did. Um, we went to the same high school. So, but we weren't in the same circle. It was more of my college friends that kind of latched on that sauce in the beginning of our relationship that were like, they had some things to say then they had some things to say now, but they supported me throughout the whole process.

Joie Comeiro (09:00.669)
Mark. Yep.

Joie Comeiro (09:23.101)
Okay, I got you, yep. My high school friends, I have, my friends that I'm friends with now are small group circle. We've been friends since the eighth grade and then one of them since the first grade. And so those type of friends that we still have the group chat and we can go months without seeing each other or days and it never, it doesn't skip a beat. Yeah, those were probably the ones that they stuck around the most.

Mandy (09:24.128)
How about for you?

Joie Comeiro (09:52.253)
And then some adult friends though too, a few adult friends like the, yeah, some beach body friends, I'll call them. Yeah, so they stay too. And then especially friends that have been through it, they inevitably stay, they're not going anywhere, they already know. Yeah, they know.

Mandy (09:55.903)
stayed.

Mandy (09:59.999)
Oh yeah, the Beachbody friends were so supportive, so supportive. Yeah.

Mandy (10:10.111)
Oh my gosh.

They're not, you're part of a new club. I mean, they know and they're, and they are welcoming and they are some of the best friends because all, all they need is a look. All they need is to see something weird on social and they know that you need a call or they know that that's the time. But the ones that I really want to talk about are the ones that rise up.

Joie Comeiro (10:37.565)
Okay, okay.

Mandy (10:38.59)
the ones that rise up, the ones that were your friends or acquaintances. And then you go through something hard and you don't expect these people to come through, but they do. And they do in the most amazing ways. I can think of one right now. And she was unbelievable. She heard me when I was my quietest. Oh, there it is. The thumbs up. Did you see it?

Joie Comeiro (11:00.061)
It must be on your iPad. Okay.

Mandy (11:01.757)
It's so weird. But, but she, I'm so go back. She, she would hear me when I was my quietest and she would call it the most opportune times. Hey, have you gone to the grocery store? I know he only allows you to go once every other week and he only allows you a certain amount. So what are we purchasing for your apartment this week? I can't, I can't purchase it. If I have to drive up from Austin to get you to purchase something, I will. So it's, it's those that rise up that really do help.

open your eyes and see things because they care about you and they know that they have something to offer that can definitely help you get through this moment. Or they might know a lawyer, they might know a counselor, a church group, something to help you get through this. But for me, it was the ones that stepped up that were really the amazing ones during my divorce.

Joie Comeiro (11:55.677)
that you're just like, wow, I wouldn't expect you, because some of these people are very happy in their marriage. So it's not like a trauma bonding thing. It's just somebody who really cares about you. It doesn't matter what you're going through. They just wanna make sure you're okay. And they kinda just show up one day. Yeah, yeah.

Mandy (12:02.857)
Absolutely.

Mandy (12:13.18)
Yeah, and you've known them.

You've absolutely known them. It's just, they just kind of rise to the top and just kind of help you out. Yeah, we do. And then the last one are the new friends.

Joie Comeiro (12:21.533)
I love that. I love that. Yeah, we all need that for sure. Yeah.

Joie Comeiro (12:29.999)
There's a whole new crew out there.

Mandy (12:32.187)
And you get to be a whole new person. They don't need to hear crap about the divorce, about how bad it was, what led up to it. You get to be a whole new, you get to be the new student in school. Nobody knows anything and you get to create that story. And that to me is so fun. And I know we've had some guests on the podcast that have talked about joining communities and finding those new friends and then finding new friends. Again, you don't have to be your old self.

Joie Comeiro (13:02.589)
No, no. And your divorce doesn't define you. So it's not like you have to walk around telling everybody that you meet that you're divorced. It doesn't even have to come up. It's not like you may not be hiding it, but why is that even coming up in conversation?

Mandy (13:04.379)
You can be, go ahead.

Mandy (13:19.259)
Right? It's not like your hair color. My hair color is divorced. Well, mine might be because of all the gray, but I don't know.

Joie Comeiro (13:25.085)
Right? Same.

Mandy (13:29.274)
But it is, it's fun and it's, it's fun to meet those new people. And then when the subject does come up and you find that other layer of bonding, Oh, I'm divorced too, or whatever the case may be. But those new friends really do add so much more. And it's just like changing your name. It's a whole new way to start a new life. It's, it's new and it can be very healthy and they can lead you to various, some very healthy workout classes or a new diet or.

a connection, something, something that you've wanted to do in your marriage. Maybe you wanted to join a book club and you never had the time and now you can.

Joie Comeiro (14:07.741)
And I think for when you're going through a divorce though, you might be so, you might be going through it where you don't even wanna get out of bed some days or you're kinda just on autopilot at work, but it's important to make new friends though and figure out a way to do that. But like you said, join a community of some sort, even if it's online, like make some new friends. You have to start a whole new life.

Mandy (14:32.825)
Yeah.

Joie Comeiro (14:35.805)
Why not add some new friends in there? And it doesn't have to be a hundred new friends. It could be one.

Mandy (14:41.016)
Yeah, I don't think it should be a hundred new friends. I think one is a perfect, perfect job. And, and going out of divorce, I read somewhere that you're starting over, but with experience, right? So, so you know, your red flags and you can see them probably a mile away. And this is your chance to maybe not be the people pleaser, maybe not be so open. Your door is so open to everyone.

Joie Comeiro (14:55.293)
good point.

Mandy (15:10.712)
You know, maybe your spouse brought some people into your life that you're fine with them leaving. Like you're okay with that. And so you get to make the rules and you get to accept who comes into your life and your children's life to help you restart and listen to your red flags. Don't repeat them for sure. For sure. Don't repeat them.

Joie Comeiro (15:15.197)
Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Joie Comeiro (15:30.845)
Yeah, that's such a good point. I'm glad you said that. So even those people who left, the ones like the number one that we said, the leave, some of them might leave. And you know what, that may be a good thing for you. That, you know, maybe they weren't meant to be in this new season that you're going into. And maybe it's a good thing. It might hurt at first, but it could end up being a really good thing. And then those ones that stay, those are just, they're there. I have family members too that just.

Mandy (15:42.537)
Absolutely.

Joie Comeiro (15:58.653)
They were like, whatever makes you happy. My dad, he was like, whatever makes you happy, I don't know. So they stay and then the rise up ones, I would say, Mandy, if I'm gonna give advice, the ones that rise up or stay, take the hand up or whatever they're trying to do for you, take it. Don't push people away, take it. Somebody rises up and somebody surprises you and they ask you what you're doing.

Mandy (16:20.726)
Yeah, take it.

Joie Comeiro (16:28.541)
later, just try to either talk with them on the phone or meet them or stay connected with people. Don't go at this alone. So.

Mandy (16:38.293)
No, and pay it forward too, because once you're on the other side of this, divorce isn't, you know, it doesn't happen to a specific genre of people. It happens and can happen to anyone. So be sure to pay it forward when you see a mom struggling. I know Amanda talked about, you know, someone helping her put her groceries in her car or paying for someone's Starbucks. If you see someone going through it and they happen to be behind you in Starbucks.

what's $2 for a cup of coffee to just make their day? Or at the airport, I can distinctly remember a mom at the airport and I was coming to California, she had a layover with a child and she just had it written all over her face. And the line for Starbucks was so long and all our kid wanted was a cake pop. That's all our kid wanted. And I was next in line and I was like, go ahead. And it meant the world. So just being sure.

Joie Comeiro (17:09.565)
Right.

Mandy (17:35.669)
to pay it forward to people and be that person that rises up and the person that stays unless it is an unhealthy relationship for you can mean the world to another woman or another man going through what you've gone through or what you're currently going.

Joie Comeiro (17:51.485)
Yeah, and I like what you said about you could either buy somebody a coffee, but if you don't have that money, you could let somebody in line and have them buy it. You know, we're open the door for somebody or, you know, whatever, just something, something little will make you feel a lot better. And I think just plugging in and we're biased to group fitness because that's, that's a world that we came to, but come on. I think there's no easier way to make friends than to find a class.

Mandy (18:10.804)
Yeah.

Mandy (18:19.092)
Oh, go sweat it out with some loud music and get your someone telling you what to do for 45 minutes. Yeah.

Joie Comeiro (18:24.413)
Yeah, and if you can't afford a gym membership, I mean, we could talk about teaching so you can, but I think there are rec centers and places that you could contact that it's short money to join a class or go to a class for free and then just try to talk to people afterwards. So there's ways to connect with people. And then you know what, Mandy? In the end, we're friends.

Mandy (18:42.557)
Absolutely.

Mandy (18:47.761)
What's up?

Joie Comeiro (18:51.869)
and people can be friends with us. They just have to reach out to us.

Mandy (18:54.771)
Oh, yeah, just reach out. We're here.

Joie Comeiro (18:58.461)
We're not gonna charge you.

Mandy (19:00.435)
No, why would we do that?

Joie Comeiro (19:02.013)
If you just want to send us a DM, we're not going to be like, we'll book your appointment.

Mandy (19:07.122)
Listen, we can't even figure out podcasting. You think we're going to be able to figure out the credit card thing? We can't even figure out.

Joie Comeiro (19:11.677)
No. So we'll be your friends.

Mandy (19:17.138)
Of course we will. The important thing is to get involved in a community. For sure.

Joie Comeiro (19:22.909)
Right, and don't take it personal when your friends leave, and find yourself some new friends, and stay connected to your old friends, and that's gonna get you through this, and you're gonna be okay.

Mandy (19:34.674)
and you're gonna be okay. Yeah.

Joie Comeiro (19:36.285)
You just have to decide that. You have to decide today, I'm gonna be okay, and you're gonna be okay. We're okay. I'm not okay. I'm not all the way okay up in the brain, but I'm okay. I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm hanging in there.

Mandy (19:43.09)
Mm -hmm. We're okay.

Mandy (19:51.41)
anybody is.

I mean, well, and I learned one thing through my therapy was because I have a lot of PTSD, she did a PTSD test on me and I scored off the roof. And she said the most important thing for me was to, when I have those panic moments, was to sit there, call someone. They might not need to know what I'm panicking about, but just to hear another voice on the phone, letting me know that I was okay. And then really being present in my moment.

Joie Comeiro (20:22.877)
Right, yep.

Mandy (20:22.929)
Like, why am I panicking about my college, my son's college when I'm sitting in his seventh grade carpool line? That doesn't make any sense.

Joie Comeiro (20:29.917)
because that's what anxiety just does weird things to you. So yeah, you're right. Yeah, you do something to distract you and you realize, okay, the world is still spinning and the grass is still growing and the sun is still gonna come up. So yeah, and that's human connection. So yeah, so we're talking about friends and the different types of friends, but I think in the end, it's gonna be up to you.

Mandy (20:34.146)
Right.

Mandy (20:47.088)
It is.

Joie Comeiro (20:58.461)
and how you react to all these different things happening in the end. Yeah, and if you don't have a friend that will help you, we're gonna help you because bitch, we're your friend. We're your friend now. Yeah, so. All right, Mandy, well, listen, if anybody wants to follow us, they can head over to my underscore X appeal on Instagram and send us a DM or click a like. What do you say? Click a button.

Mandy (21:03.468)
Absolutely. Yeah.

Mandy (21:10.992)
We're here. You got us. Yeah. Awesome.

Mandy (21:22.776)
Yes.

Mandy (21:28.304)
a button.

Joie Comeiro (21:29.213)
God, help us, please. Click a button. Please, my God. We're your friends. You have to be a good friend too.

Mandy (21:31.759)
Share us! Share us.

Mandy (21:39.375)
God's otherwise.

Joie Comeiro (21:40.801)
All right, if you are listening to this episode still right now, that means you made it to the end of the episode and we appreciate having you. So we will see you next time on My Ex Appeal. Your everything divorce podcast.